2nd Breakfast

8thfloorimprov:

by Nate Varrone

Dear NASA, USDA and President Obama,

I am writing to you all based on your own ignorance. I am writing you to say that we could potentially end every major problem facing this country and the world.

First and foremost I will address you, NASA. Have you guys seriously not read “Jack and the Beanstalk?” There is literally a whole new world right above the lower troposphere! A giant world. With giants.  What the hell were you doing trying to send a man to the moon? You guys just missed it! You went too far! You drove your little “science ship” right through the solution! For once, stop and smell the roses NASA; the moon is of no importance to us.  A giant leap for mankind? Really, Neil? Really? That’s ironic because we are actually a midget’s leap away from witnessing a real giant leaping! Maybe if you would’ve spent a little less time on a triangle’s obtuse and more on “Mother Goose,” this wouldn’t be an issue.

Now I would like to address you, United States Department of Agriculture. Don’t think you’re going to get by so easily on this one! Are you seriously not aware that there is a bean in existence that can grow upwards of 20 kilometers? And the germination stage of this plant is literally an overnight process. Furthermore, what do giants eat? Giant food! We could end world hunger as we know it! How have you not invested any time into finding that weird guy who sold Jack those beans? No American should have to go through the pain of watching those sad commercials with the babies with really large stomachs; it just grosses me out every time. Oh, and you could combine forces with NASA to become the United States Department of Agriculture and Aeronautical Space Administration, the USDAASA! Your sole purpose would be to grow large vegetables to the outer limits of the universe. It’s just more logical and economical for everyone.

Finally, I would like to address you, President Obama. Mr. President, there is a giant chicken in the lower troposphere that lays giant golden eggs. Once found, this chicken will make the United States rich beyond its wildest dream and will in turn pay off the $11 trillion deficit that plagues this country. Mr. President, that chicken’s cloaca is worth upwards of $11 trillion.

In conclusion, I feel that you all are incredibly stupid for not figuring all this out yourselves. Oh, and I think that Shaquille O’Neal would be a lot happier in Cleveland if we found his real parents up there while we were at it.

Sincerely,
Breren Jarlz
P.S. You’re welcome, world.

Check out the column on The Lantern’s website.  Comment and spread the word!

Incredibly Ripped Old Man: Alright, great job with those biceps guys! Now we are really going to confuse those muscles. Alright, now pull down your pants. Go to you’re the nearest computer and type in www.asianmanwhore.com into your internet browser. Now, here’s where the real confusion begins. Attempt to form an erection to the best of your abilities based on the streaming videos you are watching right at the moment. Now stroke that erection until ejaculation is achieved. Stroke it. Keep going. You’re almost there. Confuse those muscles! Oh my goodness, this is so confusing! Are you gay or straight? Haha, who knows? I’m so confused!  Keep on going! And…bingo! Great Job with your cock guys.

Shiva is seen at his desk practicing his juggling.

Shiva: Waddaya got for me?

Agent: Lil John would like you to record the “clapping sound” on his new track.

Shiva: You know I can’t move all of my arms in unison…next!

Agent: Of course, my mistake sir. Now, here me out on this one. It’s a porno…

Shiva: Hit me up with some plot- I ain’t got all day.

Agent: Alright, it involves you jerking off all twelve disciples.

Shiva drops his juggling balls.

Shiva: What? Absolutely Not!

Agent: Evan Stone is playing Peter.

Shiva: Maybe.

Shiva resumes juggling.

The movie Miracle directed by Gavin O’Connor staring Kurt Russel that documents the underdog victory of the USA hockey team against the then favored USSR team in the 1980 Winter Olympics.

The game was played at 10am in Lake Placid, New York and aired on television at 9pm.

I personally believe that 135min is way too long to document this monumental victory. I believe that it could simply be boiled down to a thirty two second conversation as noted here:

American1: But yeah- you’re still a faggot for liking Wham!

American2: Whatever man, it’s good music.

Long pause

American2: Oh yeah, my grandmother, you know the one that lives in Lake Placid, yeah, she told me that the USA team beat the USSR in hockey for the gold earlier this morning.

American1: Wow, I didn’t even know hockey was an Olympic event.

American2: This is more than hockey man. This is a political statement. It’s like a metaphor…we beat the communists man!!

American1: Ok, unless fuckin’ Joseph Stalin is playing goal keeper and Abraham Lincoln scores on him. That would be a metaphor for us beating the communists.

American2: Alright! 1.) Abraham Lincoln and Joseph Stalin weren’t even alive in the same time period and 2.) Why would those two political figures ever be playing hockey in the 1980 olympics?

American1: fuck you man!

American2: fuck you!

Long pause

American1: Wham! Is a metaphor for you loving men.

American2: You’re a dick man.

Sergeant: Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!

Johnson: What if they all have pink eye?

Sergeant: Shut the fuck up Johnson…

That day, France was defeated by the British who in a their night before battle, had all contracted pink eye.

Tom Brown:  Why Steve, your hair is looking very fine this evening.

Steve Gloop: Oh my, thank you very much Tom! Hey, Tom…would you like to know a secret?

Tom: Um, sure, I suppose.

Steve: This isn’t my hair, it’s a toupee haha. It’s actually not even real human hair. It’s about 60% horse hair and 25% pork.

Tom: What? That’s neither makes sense or adds up to 100%…

Steve: I know! That’s what makes it so crazy.

Tom: Well, to come to think of it. Your hair does look a little weird and - dry.

Steve: Well, that’s because I haven’t put any product into it yet.

Tom: What does one use to moisten up a toupee of your magnitude?

Steve: Well, Tom, at night I soak it in the left over pig guts that the dogs don’t eat. Then I let it sit for a few days in my bath tub.

Tom: …

Steve: I have a lot of extra toupees if you’d like one?

Tom: It’s not even real hair, no!

Williamson Gelatinous, wearing one of Steve’s toupees, enters.

Williamson: What??? I had no idea!